Friday, August 18, 2006

Ugh i'm feeling really bad at the moment. My tummy is killing me. I'm hoping it's purely exhaustion and and hunger and not that i've contracted food poisoning or bugs from eating excessive snacks. Other than that, i'm actually feeling kind of wonderful. (Yes, wonderful.) I think it's in line with the whole freedom thing.. I wonder if this is how taking Soma or living in Herland feels like. Minus the sex from fantasies after OD on Soma, of course. And maybe being amongst beautiful forests and perfection in Herland. Still, i've found my very own perfection. Being released from everything that's been getting me down, holding me hostage, suffocating me. it's really a very good feeling. Especially since i've cleared up my mind to allow me to concentrate. No more msn temptations, detesting my handphone, no longer putting off Lit Essays (HA i did my lit essay just now!) The accomplishment is way beyond the gratification of being happy by other means, means that i thought could only get me smiling. It started from last night and it just keeps getting better. I think this is what it feels like to be motivated and i really, really, really like it!

I was sitting in front of Joseph in the library today and seeing his more than elaborate lit notes and analysis of poems, i think it pretty much intimidated me to the point of choking. I think it always resembles some sort of slap across the face knowing you're taking the same class as a near-genius. How the hell am i gonna get anywhere in life if everyone's like him??! But then i realised that his idea of a good time is being productive and sourcing out material for lit and being amazing at it and i thought to myself, what do i enjoy doing? Then it hit me - Why should i be intimidated? People value different things, excel at different things. So i went back to admiring his amazing pieces of art, cos with his handwriting and the stuff he comes up with (i swear i don't understand 70% of the words he uses) i'm pretty sure they can be considered pieces of art.

Today's training was actually okay. Except i died halfway. It started off fine, 2 sets of 5 200s. I successfully pulled my butt muscles (again), which, sadly hurts like hell. Literally a pain in the butt. I swear i wanted to die after the first 5 round. But no, i'm never able to give up like that. I think i nearly couldn't handle going back, even after counterpain cool was doing its thing (okay it was just making my butt feel like it was put in a freezer), but nope, i went back and continued on. I knew i wouldn't be able to look myself in the eye if i didn't finish the damn thing. So when i left after 9, i must confess half of my frowns were caused by the word "weak, weak, weak, weak, weak, weak" being repeated in my mind, while the other was the intense migraine which hit me like lightning. I think i had to stop though. From playing hockey for almost 5 years, i think i know that when i can't breathe i've hit my limit. It was really weird though, the feeling today. I felt like everything was getting sucked into my ribcage and it hurt like, like it hasn't hurt in so very long. I wonder when i got so weak. I used to be able to do so much more with so much more ease. I think i'm just disappointed in myself cos i have a lot higher expectations of my limits and limitations. And for the word "weak" to be associated with me suddenly, i think it's a bit too much for me to take.

Conditioning was good though, the normal. I love to see how the J1s are really starting to resemble a team, a team that i'm determined or i'm sure will bring our school glory next year. Mengqi joined us today and *SHOCKHORRORGASP!* SHE HAD NEVER PLAYED PEPSI-COLA BEFORE! EVER! Poor, deprived child. NETBALLERS! Hahahaha, i'm just kidding. So we had our great Pepsi-cola tournament, with the Fantastic Showdown between the last 3 standing BANANAs and WATERMELONs! The Bananas won, of course. HA TOLD YOU ALL MY GROUP WOULD WIN. I must be lucky (:

I drew the stregth from the short novena i said after training to finally do what i needed to. And i don't really know how i feel. Even still though, i hope it cleared up some ambiguity and again, i'm sorry. I know you want me to stop saying it, but i really do mean it. I'll stop now though. That's life, we move on. Thank you, though. For everything in between.

I came home to my sisters watching the OC. I don't even know what season we're on! I don't think i've forgiven them for starting the OC marathon without me, yet. Still, it was nice to be able to impart some of my knowledge (obviously not academic) to Michy. I love my sisters. I love how Li and i can spend the whole night mercilessly jacking michy about everything while she's desperately trying to finished "The 5 People You Meet in Heaven" and then sit around and eat chips and ice cream without someone calling you a pig. oh actually i take it back. It's said affectionately. Haha, sometimes ;)

I was doing my lit essay when mum came back from the church talk and i told her about how i felt last night when i read about a friends friend really missing her mum and then i realised it's cos she passed away. I told mum how much i loved her and i'd be so sad and scared if she passed away (inevitable, i know, but it doesn't have to be soon, right?) Haha it was a moment to remember, really. I love my mum. I love how i can tell her anything and that we can laugh and jack michy and eat incessantly and crack jokes incessantly and how we're always the last 2 at the dinner table. How she shares and i share back. Long late night chats with or without the Shandy or dessert wine. It's all very good.

I'm very, very blessed.


-smiles.

ex-oh, ex-oh
3:17 AM